Why are we fascinated with secret menus?
Is it the thrill of knowing a secret that others don't? The novelty of trying something new? The power rush of consuming a fast-food monster à la Frankenstein that you brought into this world?
The answer, at least for me, is all three.
This week in the wacky world of secret menus: Chipotle.
The funky fresh, Mexican-inspired fast-casual is the afterschool go-to for many a high school and college student. And young minds are creative minds. Chipotle fans took burritos and made them cheesier. They conjured up quesadillas and made them burrito-ier. They took chips and turned them into nachos. They took tacos and turned them into double deckers.
Read more: I tried to order 9 things from McDonald's 'secret menu' — but it was a much bigger challenge than I expected
Longtime stans of Chipotle know its secrets: you can ask for cilantro on top. You can double-wrap your burritos, and you can ask for up to four scoops of toppings (except meat). You can also order the three-pointer, a three-filling burrito that's cheaper than a standard burrito.
However, there are five secret menu items that fans universally agree upon as real: the quesadilla, the quesarrito, the burritodilla, the double-decker taco, and nachos.
In the name of cheese, queso, and all that is guac, I volunteered myself as tribute and embarked upon the intrepid journey to the Chipotle several blocks away to retrieve these hallowed morsels.
Below is a completely totally 100% scientific, objective, and not at all subjective account of the ensuing trials:
First on my plate: the quesadilla. Although not much of a secret, it's not on Chipotle's official menu, which makes it a secret item.
It was warm, heavy, and very, very cheesy.
Salty, with generous cheese and a lightly toasted tortilla, Chipotle makes a pretty solid quesadilla. However, it absolutely must be consumed fresh, unless you'd like to bite into a sad block of cold, hard cheese and soggy tortilla. Cheese, especially Chipotle's cheese, is a lot less appetizing when cold.
The double decker taco applies the Big Mac principle of adding more cheese and carbs to an already perfectly adequate dish. I chose to fill my taco with barbacoa and all the free fillings.
It was like holding my hardshell taco with a floppy taco glove.
The double decker isn't an improvement upon a normal taco, which is already the perfect balance of grain, meat, cheese, and veg. The extra cheese and tortilla only make the taco carbier, and thus, blander. Perhaps if the cheese was melted, this would be worth it.
The burritodilla was the most intimidating item out of the wrapper. A quesadilla with half burrito fillings, it practically gushed hot cheese. However, this was the one item that no one at my Chipotle had heard of, so I'm not sure it's as legit as the others.
Look at that tender ooze.
This burritodilla is just meat and cheese, meat and cheese. It's too salty for me, but maybe it's my fault for not putting veg in it. There was some confusion while I was ordering. It would taste better with the addition of lighter components to offset all the meat and grease.
For my nachos, I asked for a chicken burrito bowl with all the free toppings and nachos as the base. I was offered chips on the side instead of on the bottom of the bowl, but I chose to put my toppings where they belong — on top. I also added guac, because guac.
I can almost taste the rainbow...
Chipotle's nachos are really, really good. They're also what you'd expect from Chipotle nachos — completely customizable and made with fresh ingredients. The burrito bowl toppings go perfectly with the tortilla chips, and the guac is the creamy, mushy, green cherry on top.
Of all the items on the secret menu, I was most excited to try the quesarrito. I was also relieved when ordering that the Chipotle employees knew what a quesarrito was and how to make it. McDonald's DIY secret menu: never again.
The quesarrito is a burrito with a quesadilla as its wrapper. My burrito artist folded a tortilla over cheese, grilled it, then peeled it apart before filling the tortilla with my burrito toppings.
It's a burrito with a layer of melted cheese. What's not to like? The cheese is pretty salty, but the veggies provide enough freshness for contrast. You definitely need two hands to hold this sprawling giant together.
Mine fell apart as soon as I took this photo.
Of all the items on the secret menu, the nachos were my favorite. However, the beauty of Chipotle is that employees will make anything they have the ingredients for. Any of the items I tried are completely customizable. The secret menu at Chipotle is, thankfully, very real — and you can have it your way, too.
