DEAR DEIDRE: My wife has had a sexual fling with a girlfriend and expects me to be OK with it.
We’ve been married three years and my wife is expecting our second son. She’s 29. I’m 34 and I thought everything between us was good but she started to have dreams involving other women having sex with her.
She at first said that she put it down to her pregnancy hormones but then she told me she thought she could be bisexual.
She joined a women’s chat site to ask whether other women had the same experiences. She hasn’t many friends but seemed to click with one woman in particular who is 32. She arranged to meet her without telling me but I heard her planning it.
I confronted her and she said she needed to do it, just to see if she was bisexual. She said meeting this woman would prove it one way or another. I told her she should do what she needed to do, as I thought it was a fantasy. So she went off alone and returned six hours later.
The guilt was written all over her face when she walked in. She had that red flush of sex that she gets when we’ve had a passionate session. She just shrugged when I asked her what had happened but didn’t deny anything. Then she said: “I don’t want to hurt you.”
I’d bought her some flowers for when she got home and I’d arranged for us to go out with our young son, as I wanted everything to be nice for her, but we walked through the park in stony silence.
She finally admitted they had gone to bed together. She said it made her feel really good. It’s been six weeks now and she still continues to have a relationship with me but meets her friend when I’m at work.
She doesn’t have many other friends and has asked me to accept this woman into our lives. This other woman is 33 and she is now divorcing her husband.
My wife has asked whether I’d consider having a threesome, with both of them, but I don’t think that would work either.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife trying to get you and her lesbian lover into the same bed with her could be disastrous.
It’s true that pregnancy hormones can affect a woman’s behaviour. But insist your wife must stop seeing her friend, at least for now, because you both need to focus fully on understanding what has gone wrong in your relationship and decide whether it can be put right.
If she discovers that the pull of the other woman doesn’t lessen, my e-leaflet on Bisexual Issues can help you both. Be clear with your wife that the fact her lover is a woman doesn’t make it any the less cheating.
If loneliness alone at home with your little boy is feeding into your wife’s need for this other woman, help her develop social contacts through parents and toddler groups. See mumsnet.com, and meetup.com etc.
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