“I’m just really excited to see his hometown and meet his family!”
“I really need to let my walls down and express how I’m feeling.”
“So what makes you so interested in my son.”
“He really just lets me be me. I’ve never felt more understood. We have a great time together, but he hasn’t expressed how he’s feeling.”
“You need to let down your walls if you don’t want to lose her. I know it’s scary, but love is worth it.”
“I’m falling for you.”
“That makes me really happy.”
Repeat four times and roll the rose ceremony.
WHAT A SNOOZEFEST!!! I’m sorry I’m NOT SORRY! What a goddamn snoozefest. What is happening to our The Bachelorette that we can’t even get one Hometown date with any interest or drama? All four of these dates were the same. ALL FOUR. I know “Devin,” “said,” “I,” “love,” or whatever, but each and every Hometown date basically had the exact same storyline and the exact same beats. Even I, three-time Emmy award winner and winner of one of those Instagram giveaways for an earring case, Ali Barthwell, am genuinely struggling to think of what to write. Oh, I’ve got something: I truly forgot Marcus was a contestant. That’s how bored I was. I kept being like, “There’s going to be four Hometown dates … who gets the last one? Oooohhhh, the guy who put an American flag in his suitcase and really doesn’t want you to search ‘Marcus Bachelorette reddit’ right now.” This was a nothing episode. They had so much extra time in the episode that they included a shot of the guys getting a beer? This show has a distinct visual language, and “Season two Vanderpump Rules Guys’ Night” is not it.
Jenn, what happened, girl? Are your relationship patterns so ingrained that you’ve basically ended up with three identical relationship dynamics? Did the casting fuck up so hard and only cast guys that had been cheated on that they are so scared to admit their feelings? PRODUCTION, WHERE WERE YOU? The best we got for Jeremy’s date was a stroll through a grocery store?!?! I admit that in kindergarten, we had a field trip to the grocery store, and we got to walk in the back where the trucks unloaded, see the breakroom, and take home a bag of grapes. I’m still thinking about that field trip over fifty years later. But for a HOMETOWN DATE? We couldn’t flood the grocery store with Jeremy’s friends and exes, making some kind of emotional minefield?? Just off the top of my head — Jeremy-themed Supermarket Sweep! Jenn has to race around the store finding his favorite foods or the groceries needed to make his family recipes. I don’t even work for you people and these ideas are GOLD. There’s gotta be one museum within driving distance.
And where are the weird family dynamics? Devin said his family was “unconventional.” We witnessed Deanie Babie and his Sikh father who stopped speaking with him roll around on cushions on the floor as Dean tried to talk about his mother’s death and his dad was like “My son is a mystery to me. I don’t know why he was so upset after his mom passed away. Whatever he thinks of me is what he thinks of himself. Everyone look: the gong is a real neat thing.” Your parents are divorced and your stepdad is named Todd, Devin. I’m not saying we need to torture these guys, but zzzzzzz!!!
What is there to say? Please let me know in the comments. Because it’s Devin, right? It’s GOTTA be. He’s the only one she’s absolutely giddy when he says he loves her. Here’s how it’s going to go: Marcus gets eliminated at Fantasy Suites, and it’s up in the air if he even makes it to the overnight. Jonathan and Devin go to the Final Two dates. She proposes to Devin. End of season. Cue the After the Final Rose, where Devin says that he had a lot of conversations with Jenn about his Instagram likes, and he’s learned to be more open-minded. Jenn announces she’s doing Dancing with the Stars as the show’s tiniest contestant. They bring out 5-7 Instagram baddies for Grant. Run the bloopers.
So let’s get into it in whatever way we can.
Also, shoutout to Jonathan’s brother and his fiancee, who said they met on Tinder and said I love you on the third date. I turned to my boyfriend (who I met on Tinder and we said I love you after two and a half dates) and said “That’s us.”
Maybe at this point, we just gotta do a quick review of the guys and their pros and cons.
Devin
Devin’s hometown is in Houston, Texas.
Pros:
• Cute dog.
• He loves Jenn the most, and sometimes, the best strategy as the Bachelorette is just pick the one that loves you the most.
• Tells Jenn he’ll need to lean on her, communicative and emotionally aware.
Cons:
• He picked a run for his Hometown date; where is the budget? Where is the creativity?
• Forgot Todd.
• Scared that Jenn is going to turn around and tell someone else she loves them (Not going to happen).
By the end of the Hometown date, Devin tells her he loves her, and she’s ready to say it back.
Jeremy
Jeremy’s hometown is in Fairfield, Connecticut.
Pros:
• They already have an inside joke: “Did you take me here to kill me?”
• Cool sister who immediately sees through his shit, I can only assume she’s an art history major or some other cool major.
• He’s nice???
Cons:
• Their inside joke was funny the first time.
• Seems to have been raised by haunted animatronics and cow mascots.
• His mom absolutely roasted him when she said “When I saw Jenn describe what she was looking for in a man, I said ‘that is not Jeremy.’”
Jeremy’s mom is literally the only person in the whole episode to provide any pushback, in the most gentle and sincere way, while she sipped her glass of white wine. A Connecticut mom who is judgey but ultimately right? The hero we need in these trying times. Jeremy also says he’s falling for Jenn but not “Falling in love.” Did we lose the “Falling in love” step in the feelings stepladder?
Jonathan
Jonathan’s date is in San Diego, California.
Pros:
• Jonathan and Jenn make such a cute athlete couple. Like seeing one of those couples in high school where both of them were on varsity in their respective sports.
• The hottest jenntleman left.
• Calls his mom his biggest star.
Cons:
• Honestly … where are the cons? I’m struggling to find any??
By the end of the date, he tells Jennifer Trann that he’s falling for her, which is adorable. Please, no one on the internet look into Jonathan’s past. I want to have this memory forever.
Time for the rose cere…
Oh fuck! I forgot Marcus again.
Marcus
His date is in Tacoma, Washington.
Pros:
• Adorable sister who loves him so much.
• Ummm … I … uh … hmmm…
• Why don’t YOU tell me why you like Marcus? Grab your girlfriends, wear your florals, and sound off in the comments!
Cons:
• There was no activity on this date! Am I crazy? They didn’t do an activity!! What the hell is going on with this Hometown episode.
• Jenn is scared that Marcus isn’t at the same level as she is and breaks down crying with his sister! Oh, sweetheart!
• Growing sense that Marcus is being propped up as the main character because he’s the only one who is doubting the process.
• Bonus Con: The allegations
By the end of the Hometown date, Marcus says he’s falling for Jenn, and she’s been waiting so long to hear those words.
Then the guys head to a brewery, so their confidence can make Marcus feel insecure and start building up the storyline going into Fantasy Suites. We’re back at the Bachelor mansion for one last Rose Ceremony, and DAMN, JENN!!! This white dress with this faux fur stole! This is a slightly less well-made version of Pilot Rachel’s night one dress, but when a bad bitch with a body-ody-ody shows up, respect must be paid!
Finally, Devin, Jonathan, and Marcus get roses, and they’re heading to Fantasy Suites. Yeah, it was Jeremy’s time to go, and Jeremy really felt like the kinda boring guy your friend marries who you’re like, “Yeah, I like Jeremy. No notes,” after she dates the most toxic barista in human history.
Next week: two back-to-back nights! Fantasy Suites and The Men Tell All!
