PALM BEACH, FL—Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump’s future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. “Hey everyone, I’m JD, the Christmas elf!” the 40-year-old Ohio senator said in a high-pitched voice, prancing around Trump’s lavishly decorated Florida resort to greet top donors, diplomats, and appointees and wearing a bright-green suit, candy-cane-striped leggings, and a sign that identified him as employee of the month at Santa’s Workshop. “Jolly ol’ St. Nick sent me here all the way from the North Pole to spread Christmas cheer to President Trump’s favorite girls and boys. Now, who wants a sugar plum treat? Or a copy of every elf’s favorite book, Hillbilly Elegy?” At press time, Vance was said to be screaming as Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. pinned him to the ground, ripped off his hat, and demanded to know if his ears were real.
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