MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor,” said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, explaining that several generations of artificial selection among closely re-lated specimens allowed maladaptive genetic mutations to amplify to the point where the canines began to exhibit pallid British skin, crooked teeth, and a Cockney accent. “While the small, balding appearance might seem cute to some, albeit in an ugly way, in reality this small British man is extremely feeble, in part because his ungainly jowls make it difficult for him to eat. As harsh as it may sound, we must acknowledge that perhaps this British man was not meant for our world.” At press time, reports confirmed the British man was put down by veterinarians after he became aggressive around Indian people.
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