NEW YORK—Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. “Just charge us full price, goddammit,” said Peter Nguyen, 43, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he opened his wallet, removed a sizable quantity of cash, and shook it around while explaining that he could pay as much as the businesses possibly wanted. “Black Friday, Cyber Monday—we’re done with this horseshit, all right? It’s an insult to us and everything we stand for. Do you think we’re poor or something? Hey, here’s an idea: Charge us double. Fuck it, triple the price, for all we care. And you can take your discount codes and shove them right up your ass.” At press time, the suddenly concerned nation was reportedly asking the retailers if they could possibly take credit.
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