CALL me a wide-eyed optimist, if you like, but when a second female impersonator joined EastEnders this month, I thought: “Surely to God, we’ve reached peak drag queen and the BBC can find another obsession now.”
These men are across absolutely everything, after all, starting with four different versions of Ru Paul’s global abomination, which the Beeb has got on a loop.
They’re also a compulsory element within dramas, quiz shows, reality television, soaps, the BBC’s new iPlayer promotion, adverts and Auntie’s News website, where they seem to have been playing a game of Beeb bingo with their various preoccupations, culminating in the genuine headline: “New Drag Race queens on battles with Brexit and Covid”.
I say “culminating” — I don’t think it’ll actually be over until the BBC News can report “Windrush generation drag queen killed by Israelis”.
For now, though, we can expect a lot more of the above and Smoggie Queens, a new BBC3 drag queen sitcom, set in Middlesbrough, where the only word that gives us any cause for hope in that sentence is “Middlesbrough”.
It’s also probably the main reason why the show attracted the services of talented local actor Mark “brand new customers only” Benton whose opening exchange with the writer and “star” of the show, Phil “Dickie” Dunning, sets the tone for all six episodes.
“You look stunning.”
“I’m having a ’mare trying to wear this dress, so I’ve tried to gaffer tape my d* up my a**e, but I’m sweating like a dog.”
Teesside’s answer to Some Like It Hot it is not.
Indeed, Smoggie Queens is up there with the worst sitcoms I’ve ever watched, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.
For if TV’s drag era has taught us anything it’s the fact that behind nearly every grotesque facade there is a seriously dull man with some very odd ideas about women.
A view that I know won’t chime with BBC execs, who think they’ve done Middlesbrough a massive favour here.
They haven’t, clearly.
All they’ve actually done is cut-and-paste their London agenda over another region where working-class men wouldn’t get a look in if they weren’t wearing a dress and parroting the establishment’s woke line on everything.
The BBC need have no fears over this one, though.
There are right-on brownie points to be earned by love-bombing Smoggie Queens, and an endless supply of celebrity creeps who’ll not only oblige but will want to follow the lead of those who had a cameo in this first run.
It was no surprise, of course, that one of the first to do so was Drag Race regular Michelle Visage, although I was slightly taken aback to discover the drag queen lurking around the VIP area, in the Pride festival episode (six), wasn’t actually a drag queen at all but former BBC Breakfast host Steph McGovern putting in her most convincing shift since she played Tomato Sauce on The Masked Singer.
Without doubt, Smoggie Queens will indulge all who follow as well, as it seems to be cut from the same holier-than-thou cloth as its host broadcaster, and in the absence of a decent punchline ends most of the episodes with the same sort of morality lectures that used to punctuate The Cosby Show.
Toxic masculinity, the blurring of gender lines, the importance of LGBTQI+ reps at work — you know the sort of cobblers.
None of it stops Smoggie Queens assuming all straight men and old people are thugs and bigots until they’ve draped themselves in the rainbow flag, naturally.
However, the lack of self-awareness certainly fuelled the pay-off to episode one: “We are who we are, strong, fierce and unreservedly queer. If you can’t find us, keep searching, know your worth, because we’re out there somewhere on this big old queer earth.”
Can’t find you?
Switch your telly on, man.
You can barely find anything else.
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Something Dahlesque is characteristic of which children’s author?”
Umar: “Julia Donaldson.”
Bradley Walsh: “Bill Lee provided the singing voice for which actor in The Sound Of Music?”
Greg: “Julie Andrews.”
Bradley Walsh: “The 2,000 Guineas horse race is run over how many miles?”
David: “22.”
And Bradley Walsh: “Which uncrowned queen is the English monarch with the shortest reign?”
Naresh: “Camilla.”
(With talkSPORT’s Andy Jacobs)
BBC News steadfastly ignoring the stunning revelation our “economist” Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, was in fact the Halifax bank’s equivalent of Little Britain’s “computer says no” woman.
The usual Have I Got News For You cowards attacking the farm tax protesters in a manner they never had the bottle to do with London’s pro-Palestinian crazies.
And the arrival of Danny Jones’ acoustic guitar in the I’m A Celeb camp rather confirming my worst suspicions about this disappointing series.
As once-great reality shows go, it doesn’t half make for a dull McFly advertorial.
VIA the miracle of daytime TV, this week, viewers discovered the Prime Minister’s daughter had insisted he spend Sunday inside an escape room: “For her birthday.”
Against expectations, though, the adenoidal cretin managed to find his way out and was live on This Morning, by Monday, for a grilling by those two political heavyweights Cat Deeley and Andi Peters, who wanted to know: “What’s your favourite Christmas film?”
“I haven’t got one,” replied our panic-stricken PM, like he’d been asked to explain quantum mechanics to the fellowship of Harvard.
Officially, of course, he was there only to announce a new drink spiking law.
Unofficially, however, he’d been shoved on to try to explain why he’s about as popular as leprosy, which was all down to “taking difficult decisions,” apparently.
A feeling Andi Peters knows only too well, having taken the monumental one to replace Gordon the Gopher with Edd the Duck, when he took over The Broom Cupboard.
And it can’t be easy, obviously, when a towering figure like Andi’s accusing you of “robbing Peter to pay Paul” and the one reply you’re strictly forbidden from giving is: “£2 for a phone line competition? You can talk, a**ehole.”
The weird thing about this Prime Minister, though, is that even by the socially awkward standards of politicians, it’s the basic stuff which really flummoxes him, and his answer was so tortured and dull I actually zoned out halfway through his response to the question: “What’s the Keir Starmer signature dish?”
But if he’s serving it up for the electorate, I’m assuming it’s a great big bowl of f* off.
CLARIFICATION: Further to Dec’s I’m A Celebrity suggestion that Oti Mabuse “hasn’t faced a trial yet”.
She has – it was called Romeo & Duet, lasted seven episodes and was absolute torture.
IAN WRIGHT: “I think back to Kane’s penalty miss against France, because he doesn’t miss.”
Kevin Gallen: “You need to run around like a blue heart fly.”
And Guy Mowbray: “Slovenia, the draw specialists, played seven, drawn five, lost one and yet to win a game.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray and Ian Marland)
EVERY beautifully acted frame of BBC1’s Wolf Hall: The Mirror And The Light.
BBC2’s brilliant Rage Against The Regime: Iran.
The ever-savage introductions on The Chase: “Is it the Sinnerman? . . . the inevitable result of the BBC cancelling What Not To Wear.”
The one and only Lynn Barber providing the single worthwhile contribution to BBC2’s Hunting Mr Nice: The Cannabis Kingpin: “Howard Marks gave me a badge saying, ‘Great shag’, which I wore to parties.”
And the return of Channel 4’s 24 Hours In Police Custody, though it wouldn’t have taken Coleen Rooney or even Sherlock Holmes more than 24 seconds to shout: “It’s the weirdo ex-boyfriend.”
ON dreary as hell BBC1 drama The Listeners, a woman wakes up one day claiming she can hear, “A low deep droning noise in the background. Can anyone else?”.
Yes, but I generally switch over to Paw Patrol if Kevin Maguire’s on GMB.
I’m A Celebrity, Dean McCullough: “I’m not a quitter, I’m a fighter.”
The Sunday Times, the voices in Alex Scott’s head: “There have been suggestions my autobiography should be turned into a movie.”
And I’m A Celebrity, Dec: “This is the only TV show where you’ll hear the phrase ‘more anus, vicar?’ ”
Although, in fairness, they probably haven’t seen Channel 4 News recently.
Soccer Saturday host Simon Thomas: “What about Sir Alex Ferguson? 13 Premiership trifles.”
Not to mention his even more impressive stint at Aberdeen where he won the 1983 European Cup Winners’ Cupcake.
