I’m bored by the presidential election. The candidates aren’t doing enough to earn my attention. I want hate and love. I need more pureed faux-political sustenance jammed down my content hole. Let’s start with Kamala Harris.
Harris has the capacity for old-fashioned American hate, not just because she’s human, but because she gave a taste of her potential at a recent rally. While interrupted by annoying protesters whining about boring issues like destruction and death, Harris finally had enough and burst out with an “I’m speaking.” This is worthy of seasoned girl bosses. It’s enough to make Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (America’s finest fictional president, masterfully played by Terry Crews) proud, but she might want to opt for the love route. Harris has a creepy laugh, so imagine if she were to “lean in” to that “joyful” spirit by dancing with a cat in her arms to the sultry and heartfelt sounds of “All of Me” by John Legend. She could French kiss a cat if she wanted to embrace the creepy persona she’s worked to cultivate. This would please whatever horrifying group of influencers exist to normalize sexual relations between animals and humans. Such a scene would be disgusting and we’d feel bad for the cat, but just thinking about it prompts both laughter and the gag reflex, which is a normal, well-adjusted response when thoughts arise of our potential rulers.
How about Trump? He could embrace love too. The specifics are harder to pin down, but he could kiss babies like the politicians of yesteryear, or use an entire rally reciting Shakespeare sonnets. But Trump’s safer bet is hate. Imagine Trump at the podium railing against immigrants and telling the attendees how fantastic he is, when he quiets the crowd and says: “America, folks. America is the greatest country on earth. I have something special for you tonight, so special. It’s a special thing for special people. Repeat after me. MAGA! MAGA! MAGA!”
You get the idea. He’ll whip up the crowd in a chant and bring back the glory days of his first campaign. Then he’ll say, “Bring it out, J.D.” And Vance will walk out with a trans woman. Then Trump will walk up to her and knee her in the balls so hard that she vomits. I’m not advocating violence on unwitting victims. It’d be fake. Afterwards, he’d walk back to the podium and say, “We have to fight the trans agenda” as the trans woman writhes in agony on the stage (remember, this is a stunt person getting paid for this) to the din of a roaring crowd. This would be screen gold, and the brands on the various social media platforms would produce enough rage-bait from that single incident to last almost an entire day.
Harris making out with a cat or Trump kneeing a trans person is juvenile and cruel, but that’s fitting for a country of people who prefer to stay in middle school forever. It’s a good start. We need decent entertainers to fill the content void that’s slowly eating us. Right now, Trump still leads for entertainment value despite Harris’ creepy laugh and dancing, but what about RFK Jr.? I enjoyed watching him bench press, and his admission about the fun he’s had with roadkill was a swell diversion. And his endorsement of Trump prompted his family to publicly criticize him. This confirmed the biases I have towards my fellow man as a rabble of disloyal beasts who’d knife a family member in the back if it earned them a few points in the public relations game.
Given all the cat, dog, panda, squirrel, sloth, lion, tiger, car accident, monster truck and fight videos, and music videos that are free on YouTube, I can’t be bothered with political entertainment if they’re not willing to innovate. We’re Americans. Don’t we deserve better political content juice?
