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A few years back, I uprooted my family and moved to a town where I knew virtually no one. I had plenty of family and friends in my old city but knew no one in my new area. I had to meet new people — or learn to love being alone, buy a cabin out in the woods, and knit sweaters for myself.
At that time, I encountered something that most people struggle with when they get older: Making friends is hard, especially for a middle-aged man like myself.
Back when I was young and in school, I could make new friends easily. All I had to do was say hello, smile, and laugh at a joke. The next thing I knew, we were hanging out, getting dinner, or going to the movies. But as I entered middle age, I noticed the game had changed. It was difficult to make new friends as a married father with two young kids.
I had to ask myself: How do you make new friends later in life?
When I first set out to make friends in my new area, I realized there were a few hurdles.
For starters, people my age are busy. They're raising a family, building their careers, and looking toward retirement. They aren't interested in setting aside time to welcome new people into their lives, and it is tough to add new things to a busy life.
Plus, babysitters are needed. If I want to get out of the house, especially with my wife, I must spend money on someone to watch my kids.
I also found that people, especially those in middle age, resist change. It seems they ask themselves: Why should I add you to my friend Rolodex? They're also unwilling to trust strangers and welcome you into their lives.
So, it wasn't easy to make new friends. I struggled, and it was incredibly lonely. More than a few times, I went to the movies alone and ate dinner alone at restaurants. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this, but it wasn't beneficial to my mental wellness.
I had an imaginary friend as a kid, but I didn't want to dig him out again just so that I would have someone to talk to.
I considered meeting people at the bars, but there is a sadness to being middle-aged and still trying to act like you are much younger.
So, I thought I should take my hobbies and interests and focus on those areas to meet quality individuals. If they saw we had similar likes and dislikes, it wouldn't be long before we exchanged numbers. I imagined my witty texts would win them over to becoming my friend for life.
But it took longer than I thought.
I have always been into fitness, so I joined a gym. I am on the muscular side and rock a shaved head, so I later learned from others that I was not the most approachable person in the gym. More than a few times, I was asked if I was a cop — in an unfavorable way. People were steering clear of me as if I was there to arrest them as I was curling.
However, once they learned I was a writer, the friend floodgates opened. Many people chatted me up, told me about their book ideas, and wondered if they had ever read anything I wrote. I finally scored some new friends.
Beyond the gym, I also focused on my love of animals. I took my dog for a walk around town and eventually made some friends. I went to the local dog park and let my four-legged son loose. Before long, he was playing with some new buddies, and I was meeting their owners.
I also joined a local book club to make friends. This path was a bit less successful for me because I could only make it halfway through a Nicholas Sparks book before I had to tap out.
All in all, after a number of months, I made new friends and developed more of my interests. And I finally realized that who cares how many friends you have? It is always quality, not quantity, that matters.
