Courtesy of Blair Sharp
My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for almost two years, and at this point, I'm over it.
It was so easy with our son. We only tried for three months and I was pregnant with him. That was five years ago, and this time around it has been mentally and physically exhausting. Even when we are not actively trying through treatments, the question of whether we'll be able to have another child is always in the back of my mind.
I don't know if I even want a baby anymore, or if I'm mad that I'm not getting my way. I have no void that needs filling, but I want to give our son a sibling. I also want to give him a happy mom, and right now he's not getting that.
When we started trying for our second child, I thought it'd be easy, just based on our experience trying with our first. After six months with no baby, we made an appointment with our doctor to make sure everything was OK.
After blood tests and ultrasounds, we were given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. This left us with few options. We could keep trying by having sex or start the process for intrauterine insemination (IUI).
The feelings I've had while trying to conceive are hard to put into words. It's been mentally draining. When we started the IUI process it gave me hope; I thought it could work.
Our first IUI failed. I was upset but ready for round two. I tried to be less hopeful this time. I thought that with fewer expectations came less disappointment.
When our second IUI also didn't work, I was completely defeated. Although I had lowered my expectations, I was angry this time. I wanted to give up. I was exhausted, and I wanted our life back. We'd been so occupied with the process that I felt we were losing ourselves.
During the two months between IUI two and three, I felt a sense of peace. I wasn't planning doctors' visits or taking medications. I wasn't counting days or creating scenarios in my head. I was simply living my life.
I go back and forth with whether we're doing this for our son or ourselves. I sometimes question whether I want another baby because I should or because I genuinely want two children.
We've got names picked out and our basement is overflowing with the baby items we've saved in case we had another. After our third IUI failed, my immediate reaction was to throw it all in the garbage.
I know our son yearns for a sibling, and I'm so heartbroken that we can't give him one. We've been very upfront with our 5-year-old throughout this entire process. He knows that we might have a baby but there's also a possibility that we won't. He has this idea that everyone has a sibling because that's what he sees.
Maybe we'll do some spring cleaning this year. We can donate the baby stuff to parents who need it. Right now, it's only reminding me of what we can't have.
I can't say what's going to happen for sure, but I do know that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure my son knows he is loved and that he is enough, regardless of what our family's future looks like.
