DEAR DEIDRE: I’M having friends-with-benefits sex with my mate, though he is off-limits as he already has a girlfriend and a little boy.
I’m a woman of 25 and I’ve been friends with this guy since we met at youth club years ago. He’s 24 and he lives near me. We’ve stayed good friends through leaving school, getting jobs and now him having a family of his own.
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His girlfriend is 22 and she got pregnant on purpose. He wasn’t ready to be a dad but she was desperate for a baby.
Before he knew it they were renting a house together and their baby was born 18 months ago.
She’s always been fine about our friendship as she takes the opportunity to visit her mum when he comes to see me.
Recently though he told me she isn’t who he thought she was.
She’ll get violent when they argue, throws things and even tries to scratch his face.
RESEARCH shows that affairs affect almost a third of all couples.
Yet it doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship. My e-leaflet Cheating: Can You Get Over It? can help.
For a copy email problems@deardeidre.org or message me on my Facebook page.
He told me this when we were alone one night and he started crying. He said he must stay with her because of his son. I hugged him and held him and then we started kissing and ended up having sex together.
I’d never looked at him in that way before but now it’s hit me how sexy he is.
We’ve started seeing each other every week and things are still no better for him at home. Every time we meet we end up in bed, and then he leaves me and goes back to pick up his girlfriend and kid.
We have loads in common and I am sure we would have a great relationship if we could be together, but he is scared to leave because of what she might do.
He’s worried he won’t be able to see his little boy again.
I’ve really got feelings for him and I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: His relationship is a damaging one for everyone involved – including his son.
The truth is he’s not offering you anything more than to be his other woman (and maybe coronavirus). If he was going to work towards a future for the two of you to be a couple, rather than just sex buddies, he’d be finding a way of making himself free. This is not even beginning to happen so you can safely assume it never will. Most affairs end in hurt and misery.
Explain that you’d like the chance to give it a go but the sex stops until he sorts out his relationship. Remember, you deserve to be number one in a man’s life.
If things don’t change, concentrate on improving your social life with other friends — when the pandemic restrictions allow — so you can give yourself the chance to meet an unattached guy of your own.
My e-leaflet, Your Lover Not Free?, will help you to think this through.
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